The One Where You Let Him Be Your Hero

We're back this week with more on the Connection Loop™. If you missed that newsletter, you can find it here.

Receptivity. Honestly, it’s something I'm still working on.

My husband wants to make my coffee for me in the morning. And my first instinct, almost every single time, is to stop him. I don't want to burden him while he's getting ready for work. I can make my own coffee; I've been doing it successfully my whole adult life. Why should he have to do that for me?

Sound familiar?

But here's what I've realized: when I stop him, when I insist on doing it myself, when I make it about not wanting to burden him, I'm actually taking something from him. I'm taking the opportunity for him to feel like he matters. To feel like he can provide for me, even in the smallest way. To be my hero, even if it's just over a cup of coffee.

Receptivity is not weakness.

It's actually one of the most powerful things a woman can do in her marriage. And I don't just mean receiving things, I mean receiving them in a way that lets your partner feel the impact of what he's doing.

When I finally started letting my husband make my coffee, something shifted. He comes into the kitchen with this genuine joy, excited to hand it to me. And when I receive it from him with softness, with real gratitude, with warmth, and I let him see that what he did mattered to me, something lights up in him. He feels like he made me happy. He feels like he's providing for his wife. He feels like a man.

And me? I get to feel taken care of. I get to experience my husband's love in a tangible way. Because that's what his help is, it's love in action.

But receptivity is hard for a lot of us.

We've spent so long being capable, independent, and strong. We've had to be. And somewhere along the way, we started thinking that needing help or accepting support was the same as being weak. So we fight it. We minimize it. We try to make it easier on the other person by refusing to be a burden. We’re capable of doing most things ourselves.

But here's the (almost always) truth: your partner wants to help you. He wants to provide for you. He wants to matter to you in that way. And when you refuse to let him, you're essentially telling him that his efforts don't mean anything to you. That you don't need him. That you're fine on your own.

Even if that's true, even if you are fine on your own, do you want to be fine on your own? Or do you want to let someone love you?

This looks different for everyone.

For me, it's coffee. For you, it might be him fixing something around the house, or offering to drive on a long trip, or bringing you flowers. And then there's the car door. Yes, I can open my own car door. But when my husband reaches for the handle, I let him, because it makes him happy. Because it's his way of saying "I want to take care of you."

And the key is this: when he does these things, receive them. Don't minimize them. Don't brush them off. Don't immediately turn around and do something for him to balance the scales. Just say thank you. Be genuinely grateful. Let your face show him that you appreciated what he did. Be soft about it. Be warm about it. Let him feel that he mattered.

What if he does it wrong?

I feel this one in my own soul. Because I like things done a “certain” way. My way, actually. So for me, sometimes receiving can be difficult because I want to correct more than I want to shut up and just receive. I've been working very hard to see the intention behind my husband's actions, rather than how well he executed it. Shifting from judging to gratitude. And to be honest, it feels really good to let go of needing it to be a certain way and just accept the gift, even if it's not perfect.  Because imperfect love is still love. So bite your tongue, after you say thank you. 

And then there are compliments.

This is where I personally fail the most, but I swear, I’m working on it.

My husband tells me I'm beautiful. A lot. And even after all of this work, even knowing everything I know, "oh, man, no, I’m not" still sometimes comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. Just a flat-out, reflexive nope. Like I'm correcting him. Like he got the wrong answer, and I'm helpfully setting him straight. Because, c’mon. I just passed the mirror in the hall. I know what I have going on looks more like a peri-menopausal goblin situation than anything resembling beauty. I have eyes, buddy.

In my position as a marriage coach, it's a little embarrassing to admit. But I know I'm not alone in this.

So many of us have a really hard time receiving compliments from our husbands (or anyone, for that matter). We deflect, we argue, we minimize, we redirect. He tells you that you look beautiful, and you tell him about the ten pounds you need to lose.

He tells you that dinner was amazing, and you list everything you'd do differently next time. He tries to pour something into you, and you hand it right back to him.

Here's what that does: it tells him that his words don't land. That his opinion of you doesn't matter to you, or worse, that he's wrong. And after a while, he stops offering.

So the practice here is simple, even if it doesn't feel simple at all. When he compliments you, just say thank you. That's it. No "but," no deflection, no arguing with him about whether he's right. Just "thank you." Let it land. Let him mean it. Let yourself be someone who can be loved in that way. I’m going to continue working on this one right along with you. It's a small thing, but it's actually a very big thing.

Let yourself be loved.

You're giving him the gift of purpose. You're letting him be your protector, your provider, your hero. And honestly, most men are starving for that opportunity.

So this week, notice when he offers. Notice when that instinct kicks in to refuse, to insist you can do it yourself, to push him away because you don't want to be a burden. And instead of listening to that voice, try this: smile at him. Say yes. Receive what he's offering with genuine warmth and gratitude. And watch what happens.

I'm willing to bet he lights up. And I'm willing to bet you feel something shift, too.

Would you like help implementing some of these things in your own marriage? I offer 1-on-1 coaching for women who want to change their marriages in the best way. You can find all the info on working with me HERE.