The One About Masculine and Feminine Energy

If you read the blog about the loops, then you saw that femininity was in the Connection Loop™. That’s what we’re talking about today. If you missed last week’s newsletter, you can find it here.

Learning this genuinely changed the way I understood my marriage, and honestly, the way I understood myself. When I first came across it, I kind of wanted to be annoyed by it. Because it made a lot of sense, and that meant I had some things to reckon with. Maybe you'll feel the same way. That's okay. Stick with me.

It's called masculine and feminine energy. And before you roll your eyes (I see you), let me be clear, this has nothing to do with gender roles, being a pushover, going back in time, or pretending you don't have opinions. It has everything to do with why the dynamic in your marriage feels the way it does, and what you can actually do about it.

Here's the basic idea.

Every healthy marriage has a polarity to it, kind of like a magnet. One partner leans into masculine energy, and the other leans into feminine energy. And when those two energies are in balance, there's this natural pull toward each other. Connection. Warmth. Attraction. That thing you've been missing.

Masculine energy isn't just about being a man (both men and women possess and use both energies to some degree). It's a way of showing up; steady, decisive, protective, action-oriented. It leads. It provides. It feels most alive when it has a direction to move in.

Feminine energy isn't just about being a woman, either. It's receptive, expressive, warm, and feeling-based. It flows. It opens. And when it feels safe, it softens.

Here's where it gets really relevant to your marriage: when both partners are operating in masculine energy, managing, directing, correcting, and problem-solving, the polarity disappears. And without polarity, there's no magnetism. And do you know what you're left with? Roommates. Business partners. Two people who are working at a marriage instead of in one.

Sound familiar? Don’t worry, you’re definitely not alone. A lot of women are operating from their masculine energy, and then wonder why their husbands don’t step up and love them the way they want.

Let me paint you a picture.

You've reminded him about something three times. You've taken over the task because it's just faster to do it yourself. You're carrying the entire mental load of the household in your head at all times, like a browser with 47 tabs open, and he seems totally fine. Unbothered, even. And that unbothered-ness is making you want to lose your mind.

So you push a little harder. You bring it up again. You get louder, or colder, or you shut down entirely. And he... backs away, or shuts down too. And the gap between you gets wider.

I spent a lot of years in that cycle. And what I didn't realize was that my very capable, very well-intentioned, very in-charge energy was actually a big part of why he kept his distance. I was so busy being in charge that there was no room for him to lead. And he didn't bother trying.

That wasn't fun to sit with. But it was also really, really freeing, because it meant I had more power to change things than I thought.

So what does stepping into feminine energy actually look like?

It doesn't mean you stop having thoughts or opinions (good luck with that anyway), or that you have to wear dresses every day. It means you start making some intentional choices about how you show up.

It looks like noticing when you're about to "help" him do something your way vs. his way, and zipping it. Let him handle it. Even if he does it differently than you would. Even if he does it worse than you would. (I know. I know.)

It looks like expressing how you feel instead of what he needs to do. "I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I miss feeling close to you" lands so differently than "you never help and you're always checked out."

It looks like receiving a compliment, a gesture, something he did for you, without immediately deflecting it or turning it into a to-do list item. Just let it land. Say thank you. That's it.

It looks like trusting him with things instead of managing him through things. Because here's what I've seen over and over again, in my own marriage and in working with women: when you stop managing him, he tends to start stepping up. Not always immediately. Not perfectly. But the shift almost always happens.

And it looks like taking care of yourself. Filling your own cup. Doing the things that make you feel like you, because a woman who feels good in her own skin shows up very differently than one who is running on empty. We dig into this a lot more in an upcoming newsletter, but for now, just know that your self-care is not selfish. It's actually one of the most important things you can do for your marriage.

And can we talk about perimenopause and menopause for a second?

Because I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't acknowledge that stepping into your feminine energy when your hormones are staging a full revolt is a whole different conversation.

Here's the reality of this season of life: estrogen is declining, sleep is a distant memory, and the number of things you are willing to put up with is shrinking by the day. The filter? Largely gone. The patience for nonsense? Pretty much on its last leg. A lot of women in this stage of life describe feeling like they've simply run out of f*cks to give. And honestly, I understand that completely because I’m right there myself.

But here's the thing. That hardness that starts to settle in? The one that feels kind of justified, and sometimes even is? It has a way of putting a wall between you and your husband without you even realizing it. And declining estrogen, the hormone most connected to that warm, open, receptive energy, makes accessing your femininity genuinely harder. Not impossible. Just harder.

Which is exactly why it's worth fighting for.

Not for him. For you. Allowing yourself to soften in this season is actually a gift you get to give yourself. She's still in there. She's just tired. And she deserves some tending to.

So talk to your doctor if needed. Do the things that make you feel like yourself again. Give yourself grace on the hard days. And on the days when you have a little more in the tank, choose to show up softly. Your marriage will feel it, and so will you.

Why does this work?

Because masculine energy responds to feminine energy. When you soften, it creates space for him to lead. When you express instead of demand, he can actually hear you. When you trust him, it signals that you believe he's capable, and most men will rise to meet that.

It's not manipulation. It's not a game. It's just understanding how the dynamic actually works, and then deciding to work with it instead of against it.

Let's talk about how you're communicating with him.

Let's talk about how you're communicating with him, because this is a big one. Men communicate very differently than we do. We can have a whole conversation with our girlfriends that covers seventeen topics, three emotional breakthroughs, and a snack break, and walk away feeling great. Men don't really work that way.

Masculine energy communicates in a much more direct, linear way: say what you mean, mean what you say, keep it simple. When we talk to our husbands the way we talk to our best friends, with all the context, the backstory, the "and then I felt like, you know, kind of..." we lose them before we even get to the point. And then we're frustrated that he didn't hear us, when really, we just spoke a language he wasn't wired to receive.

So try this: get clear on what you actually need before you open your mouth. And get to it quickly. If you don't land your point within the first minute, you've likely lost him. Lead with the feeling or desire, and follow it with one specific ask. Not a list. Not a hint. Not a heavy sigh and a hope that he figures it out. Just one clear, honest thing. "I've been feeling really disconnected lately. Can we put our phones down tonight and just hang out?" Or, “I would love it if we could have a phone-free night tonight, and just hang out. Could we do that?” That's something he can actually do something with. The clearer you are, the easier it is for him to show up for you. And showing up for you? That's something masculine energy genuinely wants to do.

And here's the thing I really want you to hear.

Stepping into your femininity is not weakness. It is one of the more intentional, courageous things you can do, because it requires you to let go of control. And if you're anything like me, control has felt like safety for a really long time. Letting go of that is not small. But what's waiting on the other side of it is worth it.

You don't have to overhaul everything at once. Start with one thing this week.

Notice when you're in "manager mode" with your husband, and just... don't. See what happens.

I'd genuinely love to know how it goes. Reply and let me know!